Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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