I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
