in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just want nice things and good sex
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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