we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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