Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
