now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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