ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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