apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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