everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
