I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
