In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
