she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
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He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize