I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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