and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
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We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
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He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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