Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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