actually, I'm a sock model
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
