Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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