you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
