you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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