I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
