Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
if only i could text you this smell
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
