dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
