Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
