john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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