I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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