Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
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I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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