seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
