I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
