Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Found your dick twin last night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
