Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
