NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
