Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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