Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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