i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
