yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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