u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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