it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
