i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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