i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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