i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
