when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
