At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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