I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
