Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
