I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
