Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
