It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
