I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
