I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
