just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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