He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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