Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
