is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
